In this New Fast-Track Ghana audit report satire, the Auditor-General once again opens the nation’s diary of missing billions — a book so consistent it could win an award for “Best Recycled Script.” This year’s report delivers 5 shocking truths about Ghana’s ghost economy — where the only thing moving fast is the paperwork.
The report begins with the sacred chant: “During the period under review…” and ends with the usual benediction — billions gone, receipts vanished, and nobody jailed. Same ghosts, new Fast-Track. The Auditor’s red pen bleeds like a wounded conscience, circling ghost roads, ghost schools, and ghost contractors who live happily ever after.
1. The Ritual of Red Pens and White Lies
The civil servant at the ministry yawns when the report drops. He knows the ending already. The junior accountant smirks, planning next year’s “unaccounted imprest.” The only imprest that grows yearly is the cost of printing the report. If corruption were a crop, Ghana would export fertilizer for free.
2. Parliament’s Standing Ovation for Inaction
Parliament listens with patriotic boredom. They promise to “investigate,” then form a committee to investigate why the last committee didn’t. By the time both meet, the culprits have been promoted, and the money has safely migrated to foreign bank accounts labelled “Family Support.”
3. President Mahama’s New Fast-Track Miracle
Then enters President John Dramani Mahama with a bold declaration: “We must establish a New Fast-Track court to prosecute those indicted in audit reports.” Ghana gasped — then laughed. “Unless that court sits in a V8, it won’t move,” said one citizen. Still, hope flickered — the hope that maybe, just maybe, speed would outrun excuses.
Yet before the ink dried, the legal elders reminded us: “We once had a Fast-Track High Court, and it was declared unconstitutional.” In Ghana, even reforms retire early. By the time the new court is built, the culprits will have written memoirs about their innocence — with forewords by the same people who reassigned them.
4. The Market Woman’s Real Fast-Track Audit
While big men debate in air-conditioned rooms, the real auditors sit in the markets. The pepper seller keeps a tighter ledger than any ministry. Her policy is simple: “No soup on credit next time.” Her New Fast-Track justice system is instant — debt today, blacklist tomorrow.
Unlike the ministry accountant, she can’t blame “system error.” Her numbers are honest because hunger doesn’t accept excuses. If she managed the national budget, the IMF would be out of business.
5. Reassignment — Ghana’s National Reward System
When scandals hit, nobody resigns. They get reassigned. One week it’s Roads and Highways; next week, Fisheries. If things heat up, they go on “study leave” and reappear as Board Chairman somewhere else. In Ghana, failure is just work experience for your next appointment.
Meanwhile, the Auditor-General’s office runs on borrowed toner, brave interns, and hope. Each report they produce feels like a sermon to a congregation that stopped believing long ago. But perhaps this New Fast-Track will break the cycle — or at least shorten the waiting time between theft and applause.
The Citizen’s Daily Audit
Every Ghanaian taxpayer conducts their own audit daily: fuel, rent, school fees, ECG, and those unexpected funeral donations. His budget may be small, but his audit is accurate. When the government says “the economy is recovering,” he checks his wallet and mutters, “Maybe yours.”
For more sharp-eyed satire on Ghanaian leadership and accountability, visit our Satirical Chronicles archive right here in the Republic of Uncommon Sense.
Final Thought: Our National Bedtime Story
Each December, the cycle renews. Audit report released. Parliament promises action. Journalists scream. Citizens sigh. The ghosts keep smiling. The only thing that changes is the year — and now, the headline: “New Fast-Track.”
So when the next report drops, don’t panic. Make popcorn. It’s Episode 28 of The Republic of Uncommon Sense — still starring the same ghosts, the same excuses, and the same untraceable billions. Fast-Track or not, we’re all running in circles.
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